Calling Me to You
by Sephri
Summary: Takes place between "Revelations" and "Jones" in Season 2. What if Reid had the courage? What if Reid's addiction had given him strength, not insecurity? What if JJ became the light in his darkness? Rated 'T' for now.
1. The Drug

How could Reid explain what had been resting his heart for three years, since he had first set foot in the BAU? It was fire, it was ice, it was bone-chilling, heart-rending, stomach-curdling emotion. He couldn't explain it away or hurl facts at it until it disappeared. It was a cold, wriggling lump that awoke whenever he saw her… JJ. She was so kind and beautiful and funny. Reid couldn't stop thinking about her. She was always on his mind, like a bug bite at the back of his mind.

When the needle called him, she would kill the urge for the drug. All she had to do was speak to him and he felt his fix. In the loneliness of his own apartment, though, in the dark night, he could not stop it. He gave in, and it would poison his blood once more.

He couldn't have both of his fixes. Only one could he find at night when the nightmares came and he couldn't sleep without it. The memories were hard on him, first resurfacing after the initial dose. They tortured him in his spare time, in the lulls between cases and the minutes he lay awake before sleep. It was an endless circle that Reid couldn't break alone. He needed a new drug. He needed JJ.

It was another day. A new case had come in and the team had just finished their briefing. It was a gruesome case of someone raping and slitting open blonde women. The team already had a basic profile on their minds as they boarded the jet.

"Well, the specifics of this case are very general," Emily mused. "I don't know if this will be an easy case or a hard one."

_Really, Emily? That's very helpful,_ Reid growled. Reid glared at her then returned to stirring his coffee. He chewed on his lip and rubbed the inside of his arm. Last night had bruised him; the needle had hit a vein and could feel the blood pooled underneath. It was tender and purple under his shirt. He shouldn't have done it but he tried to fight it and lost.

Reid cleared his throat and stared at the case files. He spread the papers a little more and stirred at his coffee. With a second look at his team, Spencer realized they had paused to stare at him.

His supervisor's eyebrows lifted in a question, "Did you have something to add, Reid?"

Reid coughed once and replied, anxiously, "No, sorry. Just a tickle in my throat."

"Are you okay?" Emily asked concern in her dark eyes. "There is some bug floating around. Jackson had it last week."

"I'm fine, Emily. Let's just get back to the case, shall we?"

Emily's mouth twitched and Derek started his analysis again. Reid stared into his lap, his coffee, at the files, anywhere but at the eyes he felt on him. For a moment, Reid felt the eyes leave and he chanced a glance. Gideon was staring at him with those eyes that he felt could read his mind. Reid fixed his eyes on his drink again and coughed quietly. This could be a long flight.


	2. Breaking

When they arrived in Cleveland, Reid stayed in the police department "away from the people" as Garcia sometimes put it. She knew a little bit about being the odd one out, for sure. Reid would never say anything to her face of course, but she was obviously a bit out of step with the rest of the world.

Reid pulled on his ear absently as he pored over the case files. He didn't know what he was looking for exactly but he knew he wouldn't get much done in his current state. He felt too scattered, too preoccupied to be of much help today. Every ring of a telephone, every clink of a coffee cup, every clatter of a keyboard felt like someone snapping their fingers by his ear, someone trying to get his attention every time he turned around. He could have roared in frustration. Reid was smart with an IQ of 186 and an eidetic memory, but sometimes he felt like a child with the attention span of a neurotic dog. He ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his face in his hands. He needed a break, a second away from the rest. He pushed his chair back and left for the bathroom. Maybe some cold water on his face would calm him down some.

He felt his head throbbing and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. Everything seemed harder than it had been a few weeks ago. It seemed like he needed double the effort to pull off one of the magnificent discoveries his team expected of him.

When he returned to the desk, he found Hotch looking over his own files. "Can I help you Hotch?" Reid snapped, gathering up the sheaves of paper he'd been examining earlier.

"Reid, have you had any ideas about the unsub?" he asked in his quiet tone.

"No, I've been distracted. Can't think."

Hotch stared at him, analyzing him. "Why don't you go back to the hotel for a while? Maybe get some sleep?" He picked through the pages on the desk. "You don't seem like yourself, Reid. If you need time off, you should ask, not jeopardize the case because you're too proud."

Reid felt angry. Why could people always seem to read him like a book? He thought he hid his emotions as well as the rest of his team. "I'm fine. Do you not want me around, Hotch?"

"Go back to the hotel. You need time away from this case," he replied, his eyebrows creasing.

Reid wanted to argue, to hit something. The look on Hotch's face said he knew this and was ready to give the consequence for any action. Reid gritted his teeth and felt his fists clench angrily. Instead, he picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Don't tell me what I need, Hotch," he growled. With that, he stormed out of the police office. Fine, Hotch wanted him to leave, so he did. He jumped into the nearest FBI suburban, started it and left for his hotel room. He couldn't believe this. His job was his life and Hotch had just kicked him out.


	3. Lies

_Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm sorry this update is so late in coming. Life reared its ugly head and stunted my creativity for a bit. But here it is, so please enjoy and review!_

_~Seph_

Reid checked in to the hotel. He hated being the first one to check in. It made him feel like the trainee, out in the field for the first time. He felt humiliated. Nevertheless, he acted like the good little boy he was supposed to be and picked up his room key. He gave a half-hearted smile to the receptionist and headed into the elevators. He had gotten used to the three-star hotels and it was rather peculiar that he even had his own place. Not that it was much of anything. His place was a one room apartment with half of a kitchen and a sitting room split somewhere between a library and a college dorm.

He was getting sidetracked again. He didn't even know where he'd started with that train of thought. He thought it had something to do with the elevators doors. Reid pinched the bridge of his nose. Why couldn't he stay focused?

Reid jumped as the elevator dinged and the silver doors slid open. Floor three of the Holiday Inn: sounded like home to him. Reid exited into the hall and found his bearings. His room was down the hall to the left so he headed that way.

After fumbling with the room key and setting his bag down, all Reid could do was sleep. He hated television; it was predictable to him, not to mention it always gave him a headache. Sitting on the edge of the grungy generic hotel bedspread, Reid could do nothing but wait. He was in timeout, how embarrassing. Growling in frustration, he flopped back on the bed and covered his eyes with his hands. What a day.

It was dark when Reid woke up. The curtains of the room were barely open a sliver but they let in the yellow light of a streetlamp. He had no idea why he had woken up, but now he was. He sat up and rubbed his face. There was a rapid knocking at the door and Reid glared at it. Maybe if he ignored it they would go away.

They knocked again and Reid growled. In one movement, he scooped a pillow off the top of the bed and threw it at the door. It connected with a soft _whump!_ And Reid pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes again.

"I heard that," a voice called. His heart jumped and he peered through his fingers. "Let me in, Spence." He groaned and picked himself off the bed. She was the only one he would've let in right now.

He opened the door and looked at her. "What's up, JJ?" he chirped. He acted like nothing was going on at all and maybe she'd believe him.

"Hotch said you weren't feeling well. Are you alright?"

Reid scoffed. Typical. He ran a hand through his hair and replied off-handed, "I'm fine." With a hand on the door and one on the frame, he defended his sorry little hotel room from her prying. He didn't want to but he didn't need her worrying about him. They had to finish the case, that was the only priority. "How's the case going then?"

"It's nearly finished. Morgan and Hotch are just tracking down the unsub. We'll be on our way home in the morning," JJ replied. Her blue eyes studied him and Reid cleared his throat.

"That's good."

"What aren't you telling us, Spence?" She crossed her arms.

"Nothing, JJ, okay? I'm fine. I just need to sleep alright? Is that allowed?" He growled and shut the door.

JJ caught it with her forearm and shoved it open. She was a lot stronger than he thought. Stepping inside, she stated coldly, "Stop lying to me, Reid. I thought we were friends."

Reid glared at her. "Don't pull that line on me, Jennifer. I don't need that. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

JJ crossed her arms again and her mouth tightened in a line. "You may be a genius, _Reid,_" she muttered, "but sometimes you can be a real idiot."

Reid turned around and started taking off his tie. "Get out."

JJ stood there for another moment, her eyes fixed on his back. "I know what's wrong, Spence. I don't know why you can't tell me."

Reid didn't move. He heard the door open and shut. With a sigh, he rubbed his face with his hands again. How did she know? Heading into the bathroom, Reid couldn't find any joy in the fact they'd be home soon.


End file.
